The Legend of How I Screwed Up Twilight Princess
by LoveHurtsLife
Summary: Meet Matthew, he's your average bartender living an average life until he got into a motorcycle accident on his way to work. When he wakes up, he finds himself in the Ordon Province of Hyrule with one purpose: get back to home and reality. Summary inside!
1. Like a Deer at Headlights

**Disclaimer: I don't own The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess**

**Title: "The Legend of How I Screwed Up Twilight Princess"  
****Summary: Meet Matthew, an employee for a low-paying bar, he's your average bartender living an average life...until he got into a motorcycle accident on his way to work. When he wakes up, he finds himself in the Ordon Province of Hyrule with one purpose only: get back home and to reality. But in order to get home, he has to help Link save the world.  
****Genre: Adventure/Humor  
Pairing(s): None  
Rating: T**

* * *

**`SOUND EFFECTS`**

_`Thinking`_

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Legend One: Like a Deer at Headlights

**VROOOOM!!!!**

And I'm off again down the same damn highway...to the same damn job...to the same damn boss....to the same damn city of Malibu, California....It's the late afternoon and early evening, it was twilight. The cool sea breeze was a blast against my skin as I sped down the road faster so I wouldn't be late for my crappy job as a bartender at a low-rated bar. My motorcycle's motor roared louder the harder I stepped on the gas pedal. I passed several cars and even broke the law of overspeeding, but that was normal for me.

Well, let's start of with introductions. My name is Matthew Wingates, I'm a 19 year old dropout currently working as a bartender in Malibu. My blood type is O+, my social security number is none of your business, I have no credit cards, and I'm a video game fan. In the "video game" world, my fandom is practically Zelda. Right now, I'm saving up money for a Wii and a copy of Twilight Princess, which hasn't come out yet. Nearly half a year ago, I was working as an undercover agent for the Hellsing Organization (1) in England but due to certain....events, I was ditched here in America during a mission....damn those two nuns....damn them...but anyway, back to the main story here.

Speed...speed, I am speed.....heh, what can you say while going over speedlimit and having twenty drivers honk at you?

Just as I made an S-bend, my headlights caught a....deer...in the beach?! They live here?!

"MOOOVE, YOU DOUCHE!" I roared, trying to stop, but my breaks were cut. It turns out that I forgot all about repairing the breaks. The brain dead animal merely stood there, looking back at me. "OOOOOOOOH SHIIIIIIIIIIT!"

I swurved hard....so hard I found myself flying in the air and off of the highway. I was airborne for a few good seconds until gravity decided to be a big bitch and pull me down into the Pacific Ocean....

.:Faron Province-Faron Spring:.

A peaceful scenery is what can describe the unforgettable sight of the forest spring of the Elden Province. The water ran freely from the upper level of the spring while two men and their horse relaxed at the lower level in the sand. Dressed in traditional Ordonian garb, one man had bandages around his forehead while the other wore blue earrings.

The man with the bandages named Rusl spoke,"Tell me…Do you ever feel a strange sadness as dusk falls? They say it's the only time when our world intersects with theirs…The only time we can feel the lingering regrets of spirits who have left our world....."

Link looked up at him, legs crossed up against his chest, he replied,"The lingering spirits....as if they fly around us?"

As if on cue, they heard a drawn out scream of,"OOOOOOOOH SHIIIIIIIIIIT!" fallowed by me suddenly coming in and crashing into the spring's sand head fist, almost comically. Link and Rusl jumped to their feet while Epona, Link's horse, reared up slightly but managed to calm down when Link came up to her.

Link exclaimed,"Oh Goddesses, I thought you making stuff up but, boy, you were right about the strangeness part!"

Rusl, who had his sword drawn out, sheathed it as he approached me. I slightly groaned,"Ow...damn deer.....next time I see it, I'll kill it..."

"Um...kid, are you alright?" Rusl asked as he bent over and lend me a hand. I took it and he helped me get up.

"Despite the fact that I suffered from a near-to-death experience...yeah, I'm cool," I nodded while brushing myself off. "Hey, have you seen my motorcycle anywhere? I need to get to work..." My head turned in different directions as I searched for my only means of transportation. I stopped looking when I saw Link and Epona. "No fucking way....are you Link?"

Link stared at me,"You just fell out of the sky like it was nothing...are you sure you're fine?"

"Dude, I feel over three hundred feet, it's regular for people to ask questions...."

"..yeah, I'm Link of Ordon...."

"Ordon?"

"Hyrule-"

I raised an eyebrow, then I turned to Rusl,"Is the princess's name Zelda?"

"Yes....it's Zelda..."

I smiled,"Zelda, eh?...hm, hm, hm..." I paced around them, checking to see if they were the real deal. "So this is Hyrule and judging by the way you're dressed, I think I'm in The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess....interesting...well, start with intrductions...I'm Matthew, but call me Matt..."

Rusl and Link were silent for a moment before Rusl shrugged,"I'm Rusl and that young man there is Link..if you want...you are welcomed to stay in the village for a while if you have no where to go..."

"You can stay at my house, Matt," Link offered, I shrugged and said,"Eh, what the hell, might as well get a looooong preview of Twilight Princess while I'm here...."

It turned out that I didn't just get a preview....I got the whole damn Legend....

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**(1) It's a reference to "The Maid Did It!", my fan fic of Hellsing, the original story where Matt was created for.**

**Let the chaos begin....**


	2. Welcome to Ordon Village

**Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda**

**A/N: Boy, this is a long chapter....but I wanted to get through with Ordon.**

**trickstersimagination: Making the villagers of Ordon be generous was what I purposely did. I mean, I sqeezed in Matt just before the kids get kidnapped. In my opinion, I was guessing that Rusl would be a bit easier on strangers who were completely unarmed and no threat at all. However, when Matt and Link manage to get back to Ordon Village, I wanted Rusl to go totally hostile with Matt.**

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**SOUND EFFECTS!**

_"Thinking"_

(Matt's side comments)

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Legend Two: Welcome to Ordon Village

I fallowed Link and Rusl to a bridge, Rusl gave me a warning,"Matt, I suggest you don't look down..."

"Sure thing..." I replied, not paying attention. I looked down when we were half way across. Damn! Who knew Twilight Princess would be so....realistic? Slowly, I paused and stared down into the abyss, it wasn't long before I realized that I was affraid of heights. I latched on to the side of Epona, she stared at me then turned her head back to Link and nudged him. He looked back.

"Anything wrong?"

"Uh, uh, no....not really..." I assured him nervously, I hugged Epona's flanks. "I love ponies...."

"Epona's a draft horse..."

"Horse....sorry..." I mumbled when he finally reached the end of the chasm. When Rusl walked back to close the gate, I ran to the ground and hugged it. "LAND!" And then I kissed it. "Oh God, I love land!"

Rusl and Link stared at me for a minute before I got up, Link asked,"Matt, is there anything wrong?"

"Nope, I'm cool," I said, they were still staring at me. "What?"

"Well....you know how you said when people fall out of the sky and ask questions?" Rusl said, I nodded. "I got a few questions to ask you....why did you fall out of the sky so suddenly?"

I paused to think about it,"Um...lemme see....I was rushing on my way to work...nearly ran over a retarded deer....and then I fin myself flying over the Pacific Ocean before going brain dead....." Rusl was still staring at me, giving me the I-want-more-information look, I sighed. "Okey, I have no weapons, I'm 19 years old, I'm an alcoholic-"

"Then you are drunk?"

"No. I don't drink and drive...that's illegal..."

Rusl continued to stand there before making up his mind,"All right, kid...you don't seem to be much of a threat-"

"I'm not a threat?!"

He ignored me.

"So...you can stay here....c'mon, Link, let's go home. You can show Matt the town later on," he instructed Link, who nodded. We went down the path, past Ordon Spring, and then entered Link's "front yard". Rusl continued on to town when he met up with his wife and his son. He ruffled Collin's hair and walked off with his family, Collin looked back, smiled at Link and me, then fallowed his father.

"Who're they?" I asked, pointing at them. (1)

"They're Rusl's wife, Uli, and child, Colin," Link answered, he tied Epona's reins to a tree. He made a gesture to the ladder. "My house is up there, you need to use the ladder though." Link began to climb while I raised an eyebrow, I fallowed him.

_"Hm....just like Ocarina of Time, Child Link had to climb to get to his house....I can't wait to see what crap I get to do here in Twilight Princess,"_ I thought when I entered his house. _"Wow, this is a really tight pad he's got himself..."_

Link walked over to a small sink and stove and began preparing a meal for both of us.

"I bet you're hungry," Link stated while getting two bowls.

"Uh-huh....considering the fact I went through a near-to-death experience with a deer..." I added under my breath while pulling out a chair to sit on. My fist almost pounded the table. "I swear, when I find that deer, I'm going to rip it limb from limb...no matter what animal control says to me...then I'll sell it to a meat processing plant and make a few bucks...."

I was so lost in formulating a plan for revenge on an innocent deer, I failed to notice Link placing a plate with a loaf of bread and cheese and a bottle of goat's milk.

"It's all I have for now," Link explained, he knew what my face looked like as he took his seat to the right of me. I looked around his house some more.

"This is a really cool place," I commented while grabbing a piece of my bread and taking a bite out of it. "And this stuff is really good!"

"Eh-heh, thanks...it's not bad or good, just enough for me to live in...my parents built this..." It turns out that Link was one of those modest hero characters the more I talked to him. Thank God I didn't have to deal with one of those caption bubble things that pop up every time someone speaks. Even if a bubble popped up, I wouldn't know how to press 'A' since I have no remote. "...blah, blah, blah..." He was speaking in actual words....except that I'm not exactly registering them in my head. "...yada, yada, you can sleep...yada, yada...bed is up there." Link pointed up to his ceiling after we were done with our dinner.

He led me to his dresser that was on the ground floor. After a minute of shuffling through, he pulled out a set of clothing similar to Rusl's, except, the sleeves were burgundy, the sash was gray, and the undershirt was handed it to me and said,"This was Rusl's old clothes, I think they'll fit you since you're a bit larger than my size."

"Liiiiiiiink!" called a voice, Link left me to open his door while I started removing my shirt. "Can ya spare time for me?"

"It's Fado," Link introduced to me as he turned his head. "You can stay here or you can get acquainted with the townsfolk here....either way, I've got some work to do. Come back here before nightfall, I have to close the town's gates." And with that, he was gone. I stood there looking at my new Ordanian clothing, then I cheered.

"All right! I got authentic Hylian clothes!" I held up the outfit and struck a gay pose while I heard choir music in the background.

"Da-da-da-daaaa~!"

Then I saw a small panel appear in front of me:

_"You got an Authentic Ordanian Rancher Outfit given to you by Link! Said to be Rusl's old clothes, you can walk around feeling bad ass while getting your own ass kicked!"_

The small panel faded away as I placed on my new shirt and plants, along with a pair of boots I found. The last to go was my sash, I spent a good half an hour tying it on myself. I got up and looked at my old clothes, just a plain, white shirt and black pants, along with a belt chain and two belts. I threw it in the fire place and shouted,"Ha! I'm never going to need thtis crap ever again!" Suddenly, I felt a startling feeling and froze. My wallet! It has my five hundred bucks and driver's licence. "Holy shit! My I.D.!"

Like any other idiot, I threw my hand in the fireplace and grabbed my leather wallet. Obviously, I got burned during the process so I was forced to turn on the sink and run my hand in the water. I sighed while tucking away my wallet in a pocket. But then again, there was another item I forgot.

"My cell phone!" I screamed like a girl, I reached in one last time pulled out my phone...which was melted. "Aw, crap..." I tossed it back in. "So much for AT&T...." I found a roll of bandages and decided to wrap it around my left hand and wrist. There was a mirror (A/N: Finally, readers can get an image of Matt), a guy with shoulder-length black hair and green eyes stared at me. Normally, it'd be tied back, but I lost my tie. Due to working at a bar that constantly had fights, I was forced to train myself to be strong enough to stop them. Of course....a lot of girls want me but whenever I speak to them, I end up getting a slap across my face and an angry bitch. I wonder why...(A/N: Matt's a pervert as bad as Jiraiya from Naruto)

By the time I was done screwing around in Link's house, the sun was about to set so I decided to take a short, quick tour around Ordon Village....

.:Ordon Village:.

Beth was, as usual, complaining to her mother and father about refusing to help with the shop unless her father purchases items meant for girls instead of boys. And, as usual, her father Hanch would try an change th subject but the girl spotted me, she pulled on her mother Sera's hand,"Mom, look, that the guy Colin told me about!" I saw them and walked up to them. Hanch greeted me.

"You're young Matthew....welcome to Ordon Village then," Hanch stuck out his hand, I took it and shock it. "My name is Hanch, my wife here is Sera and my daughter Beth. Where're you from?"

"Uh....I dunno," I shrugged. Hanch looked at me, shocked.

"Well, you can always get your memory back..." There was a short pause. "Speaking of memories, is the store closed?"

Sera spoke,"No, not yet, but I'll close it right now...." She was about to turn around. "...and Matthew, if you have enough rupees, you can purchase items at my shop any time you want to."

"Gee, thanks Sera," I exclaimed,"Do you sell swords and shields?....(and a Triforce too?)..."

"...no, but you can talk to Rusl if you need a weapon...he's over there practicing sword play near the river," she replied while pointed at three forms that stood by the river. However, one form seemed to be swinging a sword to and fro. "Have a good evening, Matthew!"

Wow, Ordanians are really nice to me! Good job to whoever made up the script for Twilight Princess!

I made my way to Rusl, Uli, and Colin; Rusl stopped in his swordplay to take a breather and speak to me,"What do you think of Ordon?"

"This place is really neat," I commented,"...(though it feels like Kokiri Forest)...Hanch said you got a sword and shield..."

"I'm a swordsman, but I only have one sword and no shield," he replied. "But I can make you a sword from a goat horn....just get me a goat horn and I'll start working on one if you need it..."

I contemplated on the sword thing, sure, I really wanted a sword...buuuut, this is Zelda for crying out loud! Anything's bound to happen! Besides, this is the beginning of the game where Link would normally get a sword. If he gets one, Matthew will get one. I nodded,"Okey...where do I get a goat horn?"

"Up that road," Rusl pointed up the path,"is Ordon Ranch, that's where Link works as a ranch-hand. You can ask Fado if he has a goat horn for you..."

"All right," I said, before leaving, Rusl decided ask one last question:

"Do you know how ot handle a sword?"

"I took fencing lessons in school," I answered while leaving him, he gave a curt nod that was approving. "I used light weighted swords, not heavy..."

"I'll see what I can do with that..."

Eventually, I started climbing up the hill. When I finally got there, it was night time.

.:Ordon Ranch:.

I saw Link riding Epona around the large field, the guy that was called Fado was setting up fences in the middle of the field. Quickly, I ran up to him and panted,"....do...you...have any....goat horns?"

"Huh? Oh, you're Matt, right?" Fado turned around. "I guess I can spare ya one...pick one in the barn. There's a large stack front last year's stock." I thanked him and sprinted over to the barn. God, it smelled like shit! I found a pile of horns in the corner and searched for the largest. After a second, I got and and ran out to see Link jump of the fences, he stopped Epona in front of me and asked,"Matt, what're you doing here?"

"Rusl said he can get me a sword ready if I gave him a goat horn," I explained, showing Link the horn.

"You can do swordplay?"

"Uh-huh, I did fencing in school."

Link removed a foot from the stirrup,"I'll give you a ride back. Hop on..."

I grabbed the saddle horn and Epona's mane and hauled myself up on to the draft horse's back.

"Do you know how to ride?"

"Yeah, my friend owns several horses, I used to work as her ranch-hand...." I responded while taking a seat on Epona's hip-bone. "Can we stop at Rusl's?"

"Sure," Link approved of my request. He kicked the sides of Epona's belly and she started in a slow lope before breaking into a gallop in order to jump over the fences. She made her way to town but stopped at the small stream where I dismounted and walked over to Rusl's house. I knocked on the door to see that Uli answered it.

"What do you need, Matthew?" Uli questioned me gently, I showed her the goat's horn. "Oh, I'll give it to Rusl when he comes back. Good night, Matthew..." She spotted Link and waved, he waved back. "...be safe, Matthew..." She took the horn and then closed the door softly. I went over to Link and we both left the village.

"You look good, Matt," Link commented me, I was taken aback.

_"Is he hitting on me or something-oh-the Ordanian clothes,"_ I thought, then I spoke,"Thanks for the clothes, they're really comfortable..."

.:Next Day:.

"Matt...Maaaaatt~," Link called out to me, I was sleeping heavily with drool pouring from my mouth. "Maaaaatt~....oh Goddesses, this guy snores louder than ten goats put all together! Guess I'll wake him up later..."

.:Two Hours Later:.

Rusl opened the door and placed a chest in the center of the room, he failed to notice me.

.:Two Minutes Later:.

Link shook his head as he held his wooden sword,"He's still asleep?" There was a snot bubble producing from my nose.

"....hm...sea monkey stole my money....damn deer...."

.:Five Minutes Later:.

The door flew open and I woke up shouted,"What? What? I swear to God, I payed for that parking ticket!....not the parking violations yet, but I'm getting to that-"

Link bellowed, ignoring my ramblings,"WAKE UP ALREADY! TALO'S IN TROUBLE! I NEED YOUR HELP!...." I fell out of bed with a loud thud. "...thank the Goddesses, you're awake....c'mon, Talo went off to Faron Woods, I can't cover it alone..."

"Talo?" I mumbled while rubbing my head. "...oh...(I get it. This is the event that triggers the event when the adventure begins, finally!)..." I sped out of bed and fallowed Link to the forest. He mounted Epona while I ran behind him....wait, isn't he forgetting someone? I stumbled after him in the boots as we crossed the bridge and into Faron Forest. Epona was already twenty feet ahead and I was dragging from behind, eventually, after going in and out of a cave, Link stopped her at an open gate. "Now what?"

Link thought for a moment before he turned Epona to the left and got off, he ran over to a man with an afro hairstyle with a bird's nest, he greeted us,"Whoa! Ordanians! Hey, guys! Look. I'm not sure you should be wandering the woods without a lantern. Just because it's day light doesn't mean it's safe. There are tons of caves and dark spots around here that get pretty dark, even in the middle if the day. Here! Go on, guys! Take it!" He reached behind himself and took out a lantern and handed it to Link, who took his greatly.

"Thank you," Link said, taking the lantern and attaching it to his belt. "Had you seen a kid?"

"A kid? No, sorry guys..."

Link turned to look at me, I nodded back, we ran off to the creepy cave where the gate was. He took out his new item and lit it, he pointed ahead,"That's where Talo is, his toy sword is on the ground...c'mon..."

"Cave, eh, might as well go spelunking," I murmured, we entered the small dungeon. After walking into several cob-webs that nearly scared the crap out of me, we found the exit and landed ourselves in Northern Faron Woods. Several bokoblins were strutting around with their clubs on their shoulders. "Aw, how cute..."

When I spoke, two of them came up to us.

"I hope you know how to fight," Link growled as he took out his sword.

"Fight? Psh...." I charged up to one of them and punched it in the head to knock it out. "I worked a bar, my boss required me to know how to stop bar brawls...."

Link lashed out at the single enemy and killed it instantly, he snorted,"You can only know how to knock them out...but that's good enough for me, I'll go left and you go right....we'll cover more ground that way..." He went to the left while I ran off to the right. When I saw a bokoblin, I went up against a tree to avoid it. Sure, I can fight but I can't handle them in groups! Plus, I'll need a gun or sword to handle enemies! When it passed me, I sighed and ran again in zig-zaging directions until I reached a small hill where two bokoblins were guarding a gate.

From a distance, I saw Link enter a cave, I guess it leaves me with these guys. I sprinted up to the and jumped the first one, making sure that I stomped on its spinal chord, then I whipped over to the the solo guy and socked him as hard as I could before grabbing its head and shoving it into the wall. I panted slightly as they burst into a rupee and a small heart.

"What the fuck?" I exclaimed while grabbing the heart, it disappeared but I felt a lot better. Link approached me from behind saying,"I found a key..." He went up to the gate and unlocked it. "I've never been to this part of hte Forest before...let's go..."

We went into the tunnel...(and never came out)....just kidding, Link and I entered a clearing a slayed two bokoblins....obviously, Link did most of the work. The camera pans out on the two of us when we reached the root of a large tree, I stared at the Tree Temple's entrance in awe,"You guys...worship a tree?"

"Not really, that's not ours," Link bluntly pointed out, I heard Talo crying out. "Talo!" He began his ascent up the root without stopping while I panted and started dragging myself up to where Talo and a monkey were captured in a cage. Link had one bokoblin to fight while he left me the other. It advanced on me, but I held out a hand. It stopped and stared at me, confused, even Link and his enemy paused to look at me.

"Please....wait...." I wheezed. "God....why does....Link....get to run around without stopping.....man...."

"Matt, what're you doing? We're trying to rescue somebody..."

"I'm sorry, Link, but unlike you, I'm a human being, this means that I'm not a computer graphic character that has unlimited stanima!"

The two bokoblins rolled their eyes, one talked,"&%#^#I&%#&%!"

"&%#%##&)*...."

"^$%#!"

"...|^-^|...."

"...TT-TT..."

I grabbed my chest, then I started to breathe normally,"Okey, let's fight..." Link sighed and swung his wooden sword while I grabbed my bokoblin and tossed him over the the last one died, Link chopped through the wooden cage and freed Talo. The scene faded out as the three of us started heading back to Ordon Village. Talo stopped and turned to us when we got to the fork in the path, he had his head down while he thanked us,"If you guys hadn't come...gee, me and that monkey would've gotten eaten, probably! Thanks Link...and..."

"Matt."

"Yeah, Matt," he repeated quietly, he looked up at us and smiled,"She's actually a nice girl, that monkey....she tried to protect me so we got captured together...um, Link, Matt...." He frowned as he brought his hands together. "You're not gonna mention this to my dad, are you? He's always telling me to never, ever go into the forest, `cause he says it's dangerous... So you really can't tell him! Really! You two have gotta promise!" Without another word, he scurried off to the left while Rusl appeared from the right.

"Link! Matthew!" He approached us. "My son told me Talo disappeared into the woods and has not returned. I came as soon as I heard...but it looks like you kids brought him home already. I apologize. Such a task should not fall to you..."

"Gah, it's okey," I assured him with a casual shrug. "No problem..."

"Tell me, you guys....have you noticed how strange this wood seems lately? I feel....uneasy about what may lie in wait....but anyway, Link. Tomorrow is finally the day you'll be departing for Hyrule. I think it's a good thing that I have given this task for you...but...I think you should bring Matthew along, he looks like a good ally to be with..."

"I can go with you, Link?" I inquired, he thought for a bit.

"I can use an extra help, besides, you did well in the wood earlier....you got to teach me how to punch like that," Link added, I smirked.

Rusl chuckled,"Good luck and return safely...Who knows, maybe if you're lucky enough, you boys might get to see Princess Zelda! Ah ha ha!"

.:Next Day:.

Link shuffled past my sleeping form murmuring,"I'm not even going to bother...."

.:One Hour Later:.

I woke up with the sudden urge to take a piss. Swiftly, I ran out of bed and looked around before shouting,"Where the fuck is the bathroom?!" Then I remembered that Linked told me that I had to go outside to relieve myself. I walked out of his house and jumped off the ledge and hid in the bushes. It wasn't long before I heard several screams and the sound of the ground being stomped upon. Obviously, this is the event that triggers Link's adventure....along with mine. I pulled up my pants and ventured off to Ordon Spring to investigate the source of the sound.

There, in the water on his back, was Link unconscious, I yelled,"Holy shit! Link!" I shook his head until he finally regained consciousness.

"Ilia....they took Ilia...damn it," Link cursed as he sprang up to his feet and looked around. "Matt, you gotta help me!"

"Finally, some action!" I cried out happily, I was in hot pursuit of Link as he tore along the bridge. He skidded into a sudden stop when we reached a large, black, shadow-like wall with weird markings on it. "Okey...this is creepy action....not the kind of action I thought of..."

Randomly, out of no where, two arms stretched out and grabbed me and Link so fast, we didn't have a chance to yell....well, Link got to yell, I just was in a state of shock. Both of us were being clutched by a monster (Shadow Beast) with our necks in its hands. It was about to crush us until Link's hand suddenly glowed with the Triforce symbol. I kicked around as the Shadow Beast released us and drew back, but Link was on the ground gasping for air.

"Link! Are you alright?!" I gasped from the lack of air as well. "Link!" In a flash, his body morphed into a black wolf with golden markings, only his blue eyes and earings remained as he roared up at the sky before passing out. "Oh God-"

I felt every muscle strained to a point of where I'd thought I'd explode, my heart-rate increased rapidly when I got on my hands and knees and began coughing until I couldn't breathe anymore. Finally, I collapsed from being pushed above the limit of strained muscles.

"Oh God..." I muttered before closing my eyes. "This adventure better kick ass...or else...or else I'll....cancel my order..."

* * *

**(1) Even though I made Matt a hard core Zelda fan and Twilight Princess is already out, I had the time-line in Matt's world dated back before TP was released. Since TP isn't out yet, Matt has no idea who the characters are except for Link, Ganon, and Zelda (obviously) or what the plot is about.**

**Take a guess on what Matt transforms into. Yes, Matt gets a chance to be an animal or not.....make a review saying what you think his Twilight Form should be...if not....I'll just make him a Spirit...**

**WHEE!**


	3. Twilight Hyrule Castle

**Disclaimer: I don't Zelda**

* * *

**`SOUND EFFECTS!`**

_"Thinking"_

_**"YELLING!"**_

(Matt's side comments)

* * *

_"Urgh...." I groaned, shaking my head and rolling my eyes. I was squirming around on a hard, cold surface. "Damn deer..." In a painful attempt, I tried moving my arm but failed when I felt a sharp, piercing sensation. I cried out, loud and clear. Some thick, strange liquid was soaking me from the inside of my white shirt. Sudden lights and sirens were all I could hear and see, but my eyes averted back to my arm. It was bleeding heavily, along with my torso that had metal shards from my motorcycle poking out. "Where am I?"_

_Several hands were working on me, as if trying to stop the bleeding. I heard yells,"We're losing him!"_

_"Get the crash cart!"_

_My breathing was limited when I felt someone place a cool, metal pad on my chest._

_"CLEAR!"_

_Then I tried screaming when I felt electricity run through my chest and body._

_"CLEAR!"_

_After the second shock, the pain was so unbearable, I lost consciousness....._

* * *

Legend Three: Twilight Hyrule Castle

"Urgh...." I moaned uneasily from my...'dream'. I rolled around on a cold, hard surface."Damn deer...oh shit..." When I realized I was having Déjà vu, I shot up and whipped around, making sure no one was there trying to electrocute me. My entire body was covered in sweat, even my heat was pumping fast with adrenaline. I kept looking around in circles until I realized that I was in a cell....wait, they have jails in Zelda? Since when? I glanced around, no way out for me. Slowly, I leaned against a wall on my side and sank to my knees to think of a plan.

"Okey...let's make a list of reasons why I got sent to jail....one, I was over speeding limit....two, I kept doing parking violations....three, breaking into the Zelda world.....I think number three is it, yeah....number three..." Again, I ran up to the bars and grabbed them with my hands. "LEMME OUT! I DIDN'T BREAK THE LAW....(yet)....HELL, ARE THERE EVEN LAWS HERE IN HYRULE?!"

To the cell next to me, I saw a black wolf with golden markings sleeping heavily.....I ignored it. (A/N: NO, YOU IDIOT! Matt, that wolf is Link! Argh!)

I found a mug and ran it against the bars, causing an annoying clacking noise to fil the small prison.

**Clack! Clack! Clack! Clack! Clack!**

"Please, let me out, I'll be a good boy!" I shouted, the wolf in the other cell woke up and began barking at me. "Shut up, mutt..." Eventually, after half an hour, I got bored and decided to observe my surroundings....for the fourth time. "Uh...if I were Altair from Assassin's Creed, what would I do?....hm...." Above me, I spotted a chain with a large, iron ring wielded on to the end of it. "Since there's no buttons, might as well pull on this..." After jumping up three times, I managed to grab it and pull it down (1), causing a large, steal door to slide open in the corner of my cell. I smiled. "Heh, going through dungeons would be easier than I thought..."

I got down on all fours and started going through the crawlspace, I emerged into a dead end of a corridor where a green, orb-like flame was floating.

"....what the _fuck_ is that supposed to be?"

I tried to poke it, but my finger of burned.

"Ow! Bitch!"

.:Link's Cell:.

Midna rode on Link's furry back as he trotted over to my old cell, she looked up at the chain and then at the crawlspace, she mumbled,"Hm, that kid is smarter than I thought...." When the spotted me trying to fight the globe of fire, she sweatdropped. "....I want to take that statement back...who're you?" I turned around to stop assaulting the floating green ball.

"_What_ are you?" I asked back, staring at her.

"I asked first!" she shot at me.

"Matt, alright?" I scoffed rudely. "....(Is she gonna be the new Navi? Tell me she's only temporary)...so, what this thingy?" I pointed at the orb.

"First of all, it's a spirit, second, you are supposed to be one of them! How come you aren't one of them?!"

"Psh, I dunno...(Maybe it's because I'm a physical being that's not supposed to be in the video game world)..." (2)

"...whatever," Midna sighed,"I guess I'll just have to bring you to _her_...this wolf might not be the _right person_ I was looking for in the first place....but _she_ might be able to judge who's _it_....Matt, you're going with us..."

"Obviously, I've got nothing better to do," I snorted,"Do I get to ride Link?"

Link gave a wide-eyed look at me, I laughed,"No, no, just kidding!"

"Oh well...Eee hee hee! Want to see something interesting?" she asked Link,"you're a beast, use your sences!"

There was a small pause, then Link took off, I chased after him. It took me a while to realize that I was in a dungeon or some sort of sewer. There were cages in the walls and chains hanging from above. There was even a canal to the right of me where only three inches of water flowed. I nearly slipped but kept my footing when we reached a corner, she stopped Link and me to explain,"That was a soldier's spirit. Maybe it's someone from another world? Eee hee!" She giggled at the end of her sentence.

"Woo. Scary," I gasped sarcastically,"Where are we?"

"I'll tell you later...I bet you're dying to know."

"Obviously....what else can I ask? Can I have bread? How's the weather? Can I have your number? What's your social security number?"

Midna giggled,"You're not stupid, but you're not smart either....yet you're funnier than Link!"

"I'll take is as a compliment...I guess," I added dully, Link began to leap over the canal, he turned and waited for me. The jump was only four feet, I think I could cover that. I tok a couple steps back and then sprinted over the gap and reached Link's side. We went through an open gate to find ourselves at another four-way corridor. Midna stopped Link again.

"I doubt that you're used to your new body so I'll tell you, think about how you fought enemies in your human form. Just because you changed your shape, it doesn't mean that your instincts have as well!"

"...(how many times is she gonna stop us?)..."

I saw a chain hanging from the ceiling, but we passed it and jumped into the canal. I fallowed Link as he turned left on a corner, we reached a dead end, but I noticed something odd about the wall. I looked back to see that there were spikes in the hallway ahead. How could I have missed that? Link leaped up in the air and grabbed a chain that hung freely, the aqua duct's gate opened and allowed water to flow into the canals.

"Good boy," I praised him, he glanced at me as if saying,"Shut up." and then ran off to jump in the water. He waited for me to take a swim, I reluctantly did and started swimming up to him. Together, we swam over the spikes and made it to the otherside of the hallway. Link raised hauled himself on to the cement walkway and turned to help pull me up by grabbing my shirt. He ran off again and made a right, I waited for a bit until the water randomly drained out. Link, again, climbed up on to the walkway and glanced at me. "Man, you're better at dungeons than me!"

"Maybe if you did something, you can be more productive," Midna smirked, I threw her a glare and fallowed them to another gated off passage. Midna levitated off of Link's back and went through the bars. "This way, over here!" She floated above ground. "I'll be waiting for you, but you'll have to help yourselves for a change!"

Link and I stared at her, I spoke,"Girl..." My boots splashed in the water when I jumped. "You are some 'helpful' Navi..." I saw a hole in the wall, I made a gesture for it. "Wolves first..."

He grunted and got down in his belly to crawl through, I went in as well. We ended up in a large cave where Link dug around for a heart and a rupee. There was an open space in the wall that we decided to go through, we met up with Midna, who immediately got on to Link's back again.

"Eee hee, did the detour tire you out, little wolf?" she asked, I came up from behind her with my front soaked entirely with water. "Oh, you seem to be hanging on....just a bit more and we'll be outta here, ok?..."

I went after them and murmured under my breath, mimicking her,"..._Just a bit more and we'll be outta here, ok?_ Jesus, I miss Navi's retarded explanations and-OH MY GOD!" I looked up to see the spiraled staircases go up an extremely large chamber. "Are those tightropes?!" I pointed up like an idiot. We began our ascent up the stairs. "Oh boy, this is the Forest Temple all over again." Unknowingly, I was running along with Link until he attempted to leap over a gap, however, I skidded into a stop and watched the lose platform crumble under Link and Midna's weight. I laughed at them. "Ha! Link, you're too heavy!"

"Urgh! What are you doing?!" exclaimed Midna, she gave a frustrated sigh. Link started running up to me and paused. "I guess I gotta do everything!" She floated over to the other side.

I stopped laughing abruptly,"Wait, how am I gonna get to the other side?" Link nudged my leg. "Oh...are you sure? I mean, this ain't Okami (3) but I'll give it a go." I swung my right leg over Links side and manged to hitch him. "Am I heavy-WHOA!" Link made startling leap-of-faith over the gap, then another when Midna floated farther away. I jumped off him and Midna on on. "Wow..." We were off again, jumping over two gaps on are own until we reached large slap of cement. I got on Link's back while Midna floated overhead.

Link looked up, then made two, long and high jumps to reach his goal. I got off of him and said,"Link is a good boy..." We stopped momentarily at a tightrope. "Aw, hell no, you expect me to balance myself on a piece of rope that might snap?!"

"Don't be a big baby!" Midna chuckled, she slapped my thigh. Oddly enough, her tiny slap was enough to send me walking on the tightrope. Instead of walking in a calm fashion, I bolted to the other side and clung to the wall. Link steadily made his way to me. "See? That wasn't so bad!"

"That's it!" I shouted in her face, I pointed an index finger at her. "I'm getting a lawyer!"

"...we don't have Court Orders here in Hyrule..."

"STFU, MOFO!"

Obviously, I had the shit scarred out of me.

Again, for the second to last time, I got on to Link's back and rode him to the other side. Instead of getting off (since I was unable to), I held on to him again when he started making high jumps all over until he reached the open door.

.:Outside on Random Rooftop:.

"So we were finally able to get out," Midna sighed happily,"and look at the sky! Isn't the black cloud of twilight beautiful today?"

"Not as beautiful as your ugly face," I huffed, getting off of Link for the last time,"and how can rain be beautiful?"

"Do you know here this is?"

I looked around, up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right and shook my head,"A stripping club?"

"You STILL don't know?! Look, there's someone I want to introduce you to...but I need to go to that tower to do it!" She pointed a small, black figner ahead of us. I chased after Link until Midna stopped us (urgh) to make a comment. "So there's spirits up here too, huh? Even though these guys can see those monsters, they don't know a thing bout you!" Link ignored her and started pushing a crate up against a wall. He jumped in and then climbed up, I fallowed him to find that he leaped ahead of me to an open space on the rooftop. A huge, black bird (Shadow Kargarok) came swooping after him, he leaped back and then sprung forward to bit its neck, I watched in awe until it flew away and then dove back again.

"Hey! It sounds like Articuno!" I shouted as it made a horn like sound, when Link finished it off, I sprung out from hiding and ran up to him. "So that's what enemies are in the game!"

Midna and Link raised eyebrows at me,"What?"

"...nothin'!" I raised up both hands to show that my statement was nothing. We started dashing, jumping, leaping, riding, getting soaked by the rain, and dodging shadow kargaroks and make it to the tower Midna mentioned in one piece. "All right, I've had fun with the dungeon, what's next?"

She smirked,"Just climb up there through the window-"

"Don't tell me Rapunzel's in there," I groaned, exhausted from my little adventure in the sewers,"or some other damsel in distress...or even Princess Peach..."

"Nope! No get up there or eles I'll make you!"

"Yeah, yeah, better do what Tatl says," I grumbled, I jumped up and kicked off the roof's tiles to give me a slight boost. I did it again to get up on the second ledge. Looking around, I sighed that the coast was clear and gave a signal to Link, he nodded and began climbing up. I lowered myself down while Link jumped off the window seal. "Don't tell me this is another marathon on stairwells again..."

"Shut up and move, Matt...you're so whiny for a Hylian..."

I grunted and started to walk, even Link was agreeing with me.

"Aw! C'mon, YA LIKE TA MOVE IT!" Midna shouted, trying to motivate me. I rolled my eyes at her.

"Alright, I'm fine, let's go...." Link wagged his tail while leading me up the stairs. "...12....13....17....18...19.....20 steps! Thank God! It's OVER! Level complete!" I randomly burst into the room, causing the door to fly off its hinges. "Alright! I completed the damn dungeon! Where's my money! I want my money, man!" There was a four post bed with a canopy to the right and a fireplace to the left. In the middle of the window that was ahead of us was a hooded figure, she turned to me slightly then averted back to her gaze out the window.....which I'm betting she's got a really crappy view. "Yo, are you a boss-"

Link approached her in a calm he trotted up to her, the woman turned around and exclaimed,"Midna?!"

"Eee hee! You remembered my name? What an honor for me-" Midna was cut short, yes, you guessed it, me tripping in a clumsy, unprofessional manner that was completely different from Link's.

Out of instinct, I tried to grab something. Guess what I reached for?...1, 2, 3, time's up! I reached for the lady's cloak and managed to pull the cloak off....along with part of her pretty pink dress that was torn off. She gave a scream as she backed up against the window and tried to kick me, she screamed as she ignored Link,"Midna! Don't tell me this pervert is the one you were searching for!"

"Oh, he's not exactally what I had in mind so but I guess he'll do...." Midna thought the lady was refering to Link, but she was talking about me. "What?....MATT, YOU IDIOT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO PRINCESS ZELDA?!"

"Princess...Z-zelda?" I stammered, I looked down to see Zelda glaring up at me with her gown nearly torn. "Oh...shit."

* * *

**(1) Matt's height is 6'1", only two inches shorter than Link**

**(2) This will explain later why Matt isn't a spirit**

**(3) A reference to Okami, in the game, you play as a wolf. To pass certain missions, you got to have people ride on the wolf's back, Matt's pretty hesitant with this since he's played it before**

**READ & REVIEW**


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